


Hawkeye: The Movie

by iloveitblue



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 01:22:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8125057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloveitblue/pseuds/iloveitblue
Summary: Clint doesn't get much media exposure. The Avengers know how to fix that.





	

There was a five-page spread on Captain America in People Magazine. 

It was one of the biggest publicity the Avengers received that was not a screaming headline right after an ‘almost end of the world situation’ as the Bugle had kindly coined. 

Steve Rogers, was not only on the cover of the magazine, he also managed to win a bunch of titles he never asked for; some, but not all, include: A spot in the TIME 100 Most Influential People, Forbes’ Most Eligible Bachelor, and People’s Sexiest Man Alive -- Tony begrudgingly handed him that title, to which Steve politely declined but to no avail.

In the years since the Avengers had assembled, most of them had been on the cover of one magazine or the other at least once. Yes, even Natasha. (Playboy has yet to give up on her, but no way was Phil letting her do that. They’d have to fight him for her to do the shoot -- and he fights dirty.)

It was good publicity. Great, even. 

So why was Phil frowning?

Clint walked over to the sofa Phil was on and sat down beside him, looking over his shoulder. It was the interview portion of Steve’s spread. Clint has read the magazine, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. They were all standard questions.  _ What is it like living with the Avengers? What’s your training regimen? Who’s your favorite Avenger? What’s your fondest memory since waking up in the 21st century? _

Steve gave pretty standard answers too, straight to the point with a little funny anecdote here and there. It was charming and perfect. 

So the frown on Phil’s face really wasn’t justified. 

“Watchu readin’ there?” Clint asked, because as good as his eyes were, he wasn’t going to find a single thing wrong in the interview. 

Phil stared harder at the magazine, as if willing it to change itself, “I was with Steve when this interview was conducted.” 

Clint nodded, “Yeah, so?” He rearranged himself so that he was facing Phil. “Were you expecting them to put you in the magazine too?” He narrowed his eyes at Phil.

Phil turned to him, finally closing the magazine but bookmarking it with his forefinger, “What? No.” 

“Then, what’s wrong? Everything’s pretty normal, and Steve made us sound like we’re a delight.” 

“That’s not it,” Phil opened the magazine again and showed it to Clint this time, “Look here,” He pointed to the sixth question and started reading, “ _ They’re all great, I can’t really just pick one. Bruce is incredibly smart, Tony is a little too much but you learn to love him, Thor is a great guy plus we spend time together exploring the city since we’re the only two unfamiliar with the twenty-first century. Natasha, she’s one of the most amazing women I’ve met. They’re all great.”  _

Clint raised an eyebrow at Phil, “What’s wrong with it? He sounded sincere.” 

Phil looked at him like he was crazy, and for a minute, they just stared at each other like the other one was a total idiot, “ _ You’re _ not in it.” Phil finally pointed out.

“I’m pretty sure I’m part of the ‘ _ They’re’ _ Cap refered to in that last sentence.” Clint shrugged.

“Yeah, but in the interview, I specifically remember the Captain commenting on you too. He said you were a great sparring partner. I remember because I thought about that time you sparred with him and-” Phil paused, coughed, and then continued, “Anyway, they struck it out. Why would they do that?”

“Did Cap say anything about Vision, Wanda, Falcon, and War Machine?” Clint asked.

“As a matter of fact,” Phil frowned again. “Yes,”

“Well, there you go. They probably didn’t have enough space, so they had to cut a few sentences out. Besides, it got the point across, didn’t it?” Clint shrugged.

“And what is the point, exactly?”

“That we’re all great despite the constant complaints of our resident liaison.”

Phil rolled his eyes at Clint and that was the end of that. 

At least until a week later.

The day before, some douche decided it would be a great idea to rob a convenience store, threatening to blow the place up with a bomb he created himself. The douche, Clint has dubbed him Doctor Doofus, apparently fucked up because the bomb was detonated but instead of it blowing the store up, hurting civilians in the process, it only made him glow lime green and shoot acid out of his hands -- kind of like spiderman with his web, minus the weird hand gesture thing -- and that was when the Avengers were called in. Well, three of them, namely; Cap, Tony, and Clint.

Captain America did a great job of trying to talk some sense into him and in return, Doctor Doofus shot his weird green acid goop at him. Iron Man tried to fight him, but anytime he was within range, Doctor Doofus would shoot at him, and as great as the armor was, it still apparently had its limitations -- acid and the armor? Not a good combination. 

Doctor Doofus was delivering his evil monologue now and was just about to get to the part where the Avengers was no match for him, and that as soon as he’s done with this city -- he didn’t get to finish his speech because he dropped to the ground like a sack of bricks, an arrow clinging to his back. 

Clint knew that it was rude to interrupt when someone’s talking, but it was movie night, and if they didn’t go back soon, Thor would have finished all of the cheese pizzas. Obviously, that was priority number one. 

The next day, papers from tabloids to broadsheets printed the same story: 

**_AVENGERS: SAVES THE DAY ONCE AGAIN!_ **

Or something along that line (except probably for The Bugle who suspected that Doctor Doofus was related to Spiderman somehow, which, okay. Come on. How is that newspaper still alive if that was the kind of crazy crap they printed every single day?)

Clint was happily eating his cereal, enjoying the Sunday comics, when Phil walked in, slammed the New York Times on top of Clint’s Garfield, and then proceeded to make a cup of coffee (angrily). Clint blinked at the headline before he turned to Phil, bowl in hand. 

“What’s got your panties in a bunch?” Clint asked with a mouth full of Cap’n Crunch. 

“Did you read the paper?” Phil asked, stirring his coffee a little too forcefully. 

“I read Garfield, does that count?” Clint shrugged, picking the New York Times and skimming over the front page news. “What’s wrong with it?”

Underneath the words ‘New York Times’ was a picture of Cap, confronting Doctor Doofus, and Iron Man, floating next to him. Doctor Doofus was pointing at them, and had this really intense look in his face. After that was the headline ‘Avengers defeat dangerous criminal’.

“Read it,” Phil instructed, and after a few minutes, Clint gasped in horror. 

“Those monsters,” He said dramatically.

“You don’t see it, do you?” Phil asked in a deadpan tone.

Clint shrugged in lieu of a response. 

“They forgot about you,” Phil explained as if it should have been obvious. “They said ‘another Avenger’ instead of ‘Hawkeye’ and you’re not even on the picture. That’s just disrespectful.”

Clint snorted, standing up to place the now empty bowl in the sink, “Phil, I’m a sniper. If a photographer managed to take a picture of me while I was on the job, that means I suck at being a sniper and SHIELD should probably fire me. As for the name thing, what does it matter? We did our job, the city gets to sleep soundly another night knowing the bad guys are in jail, and most importantly, we got back yesterday before Thor could eat the last box of pizza. Everyone’s happy. I call that a win.”

“Aren’t you bothered by this?” Phil stabbed at the paper a few times with his finger, “They’re completely overlooking your efforts.”

“Not as much as you are, apparently.” Clint rolled his eyes, “Listen, It’s not a big deal. So they forgot to credit me for saving the day. It’s not the end of the world.” 

“It’s not just this though.” Phil ran a hand over his face, “Every single time news about the Avengers surface, they always seem to ‘conveniently’ forget to mention you and your job as an Avenger.” 

Clint raised his eyebrows in wonder, “ _ Every time? _ I hardly doubt that, Phil.” 

“Oh, you do?” Phil took his phone out and started furiously typing before he showed it to Clint. “Here, I did a Google search for Hawkeye, and the first thing that popped up was that time you got covered in slime, turning your skin orange.”

Clint hissed at the memory, “Yeah, Stark called me an Oompa Loompa for a week,” 

“The second link is a wiki page about you that barely has two paragraphs in it.” 

“That’s hardly anyone’s fault. Nobody knows about my past so, of course there’s nothing in there.”

“All the links after that is about the Iowa Hawkeyes.”

“Oh hey, I know about them. NCAA, right?”

Phil sighed, “Clint, that’s not the point. You don’t have any sort of positive exposure in media and we need to change that.” 

Clint shrugged, “Okay, if you say so.”

Phil opened his mouth to say something, then closed it back again, “That’s it?” He asked, “You’re not gonna argue with me about this?” 

“Do you  _ want _ to argue about this?” Clint raised an eyebrow.

“No, I just- I thought I’d have to convince you into doing it,” 

“Nah, it sounds fun.” Clint clapped Phil’s shoulder on his way out, and that was that apparently. Huh. Go Figure.

\---

“I’m going to need that light over there, and the background over here.” Tony pointed from one end of the room to another, directing the numerous people crowding the Avengers common floor living room. “No, who approved the clown? I specifically said, no clowns.” He yelled at no one in particular when he saw the creepy clown statuette near the elevator.

Phil stepped out of the elevator and dropped his jaw, nearly dropping the files in his hand in the process. When he noticed Tony shouting instructions at people, he immediately knew that he wasn’t going to like whatever all of this was. 

“Tony, do I want to know?” He asked instead of a greeting because that seemed appropriate at this point in their relationship.

“Oh, Agent. Glad you’re here. Barton is in the kitchen. You should go there. Now. Somebody from make-up will take care of you.” Tony said quickly, pushing Phil in the direction of the kitchen.

“What? Make-up? Wha-”

“Sshhhh, enough questions. Just get to it.” 

Knowing that it was impossible to get a straight answer from Tony, Phil chose to simply roll his eyes and head for the kitchen. Maybe Clint could tell him what the hell was going on. Phil should’ve known whatever this was, it was a group effort.

If the living room was a mess, Phil wasn’t even sure how to describe the kitchen. Sure, there weren’t as many people but every available surface was covered with make-up from different brands, off to the side was a rack full of clothes, on the floor there were a lot of guns (which Phil hoped were fakes or at least unloaded.)

“Wha-” was the only thing Phil could say.

“Oh, Phil. Hi!” Clint greeted cheerfully, looking away from Thor who was holding an eyelash curler.

“What’s going on?”

“I will be with you in a moment, Son of Coul. I must first finish Clinton’s eyes.” Thor replied instead of actually, you know, answering Phil’s question.

“We did what you told us to do.” Clint answered just as his face was pulled back to face Thor again.

“And what, pray tell, did I tell you to do that would cause all of  _ this _ ?” Phil was just about ready to just drop everything and walk out if what came out of Clint’s mouth next was nonsense.

“You told me I should get more exposure.” Clint shrugged as best he could without disturbing the god who was dangerously close to his eyes.

“And what better way to achieve this exposure than by creating a film.” Thor grinned at Phil before he picked up the mascara. Clint vehemently shook his head when Thor showed it to him. He’s had enough things near his eyes, thank you very much.

“You’re making a movie?” Phil didn’t even have the energy to be surprised.

“It was Bruce’s idea. He’s also the producer. Sort of.” Clint pointed out. “Natasha wrote the script, Steve is the Creative Director, Vision is in charge of props and costumes, Wanda for Special Effects, Thor is Hair and Make-up, Sam is Logistics, Tony is the Director and Financer, and Rhodey said he wanted no part in this whatsoever.” 

“Colonel Rhodes is a smart man.” Phil muttered, “What is this movie even about?”

“It’s an action-comedy musical about Clint’s life.” Natasha answered as she strode into the room to hand Phil and Clint their scripts.

“I’m in it?” Phil cringed, skimming through the script. “Wouldn’t an actor be better?”

“It costs too much to hire actors for everyone, so we’re all playing ourselves.” 

“Except for Tony who hired Robert Downey Jr. to play him.” Clint rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t see the resemblance, and I’m told I have great eyes.”

Phil closed the script suddenly, “JARVIS, call for all of the Avengers to meet here. Now.” Phil said through gritted teeth.

Clint turned to Natasha then to Thor who both shrugged. It didn’t make sense that Phil was angry, they were only trying to help. 

A few minutes later, the Avengers were all gathered in the kitchen. Phil tried not to sigh when he saw their confused faces. “Okay, first, why in the world did you all think it would be a good idea to make a movie?” 

“You said that Clint needed more exposure, and we agree.” Tony shrugged. 

“We can’t cause mayhem in the downtown area just for him to stop it. That might backfire on us.” Steve added.

“We can’t send him out without back-up when an actual emergency happens. That’s just asking for trouble.” Bruce said.

“We intended to create a film that highlighted all of the good our friend has done over the years.” Thor beamed.

“Plus, when the movie is released, people cuold just link the wiki page to the movie. Two birds, one stone.” Clint concluded.

“Okay then,” Phil sighed, “why do I have a kissing scene with Clint if this was based on his life?” At his words, Clint’s eyes widened and he hurriedly grabbed a script to look for the scene Phil was refering to.

“I took some creative liberties.” Natasha shrugged. “Besides, Clint said I could interpret his life anyway I wanted. That’s how I saw the scene happen.” The devil woman smirked.

“Wait a minute, this is from that time Phil and I first found out we both watched Supernanny. How did you see a kissing scene from that?” Clint demanded.

“I just did.” Natasha answered. Tony grabbed Clint’s copy and started reading. When he was done, he turned to Natasha and took her hands in his.

“When they make a movie about my life, would you please write the script for it?” 

“So long as you don’t mind dying after the first five minutes.” She smiled.

“No. This is not happening,” Phil interjected, “I’m officially shutting this production down.” 

“What? Why?” Steve, Wanda, Natasha and Thor asked at the same time.

“This is a distraction. It’s not a good use of your time. There are easier, less fictitious ways we can give Clint exposure.” Phil counted on his fingers. 

“I tried to tell them to go for the sex tape but nobody listened,” Tony gave them all a disappointed stares. 

“What? No.” Phil said, apalled, “Nobody should listen to that. I was talking about an interview.” 

“I can probably rewrite the script into an Interview-with-the-Vampire-esque style. I’ll need a few hours though.” 

“But we needed to start filming an hour ago.” Tony countered.

“Will everybody just stop with the movie? It’s not going to happen.” Phil cried out, “I meant, Interview, like on TV. With a talk show host? We could probably get a late night show to agree. Or maybe a magazine.” 

“That’s boring though.” Tony made a face. 

“It gets the job done.” 

“So does this.” 

“This is unnecessarily elaborate. Who knows how long this production will take?” 

“Phil?” Clint cut in, “What is this really about? You didn’t seem to have a problem with it when you first came in.”

Phil paused, “I told you my reasons. I just don’t think this is a very efficient way of solving this particular problem.” 

“Is it because of the kissing scene, because Nat can just as easily write that one out.” Clint shrugged. 

“No I can’t. It’s essential to the story.” Natasha said in a soft voice. 

“No, it’s- Like I said, this is going to be a distraction for all of you. An interview is simpler and faster. Besides, I already have six potential interviews lined up. All you have to do is choose one.” Phil reasoned. 

Clint rounded the table and faced Phil. “Okay, how about this, I do the interview, and we still do the movie. This way, I can positive exposure as quickly as possible, while at the same time I can promote this movie.” 

“But, why?” Phil asked. 

“I don’t know, I just think it’s going to be fun, you know? Besides, all of my friends are helping me with it. I mean, I didn’t even realize that the media was downplaying me, and honestly, I don’t care, but you said it’d help me, and I trust you, so I wanted to do something huge enough that’ll tell the haters to go to hell. I don’t think an interview is going to be enough. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still do the interview because you were the one who asked, but I just think it won’t be enough, you know?” Clint smiled softly at Phil. 

And really, that was practically cheating. How could Phil say no to that? 

He turned to look at the rest of the Avengers who all looked like they were as eager as Clint to do this movie, with or without his blessing, so what the hell. “Fine. Let’s do this. But you are all only to allot three hours max on this movie, per day. You all have jobs to do.” 

Everyone in the kitchen unanimously cheered, and it was unbelievably loud for eight people. 

Sam turned his phone so that the camera was facing him, “There you have it, folks. The Hawkeye Solo Movie just got its green light.” He grinned at the camera and waved goodbye, ending the Facebook Live streaming.

\---

The next morning, Phil was surprised to see Clint’s face on television. And in the paper. And on every social media platform known to man. 

“ _...seems like this unassuming Avenger has a story that needs to be told _ ,” The reporter said, “ _ But fans are seemingly more interested in Hawkeye’s relationship with the unnamed man in the video. Many are suspecting that the man is, in fact, Hawkeye’s lover based on the way they seemed comfortable around each other. Mary Sue Daniels commented on the video saying ‘Look at the way they smile at each other at the end, that smile is not shared with friends. I should know. That’s how my husband and I smile at each other.’ Perhaps Sam Wilson, original host of the Facebook Live video, would be willing to show us a bit more action behind the scenes as the Avengers film their movie. More on this story as it develops. For Star News Central, I’m Kaycee James. _ ”

Phil pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, “JARVIS, Tell me where Mr. Wilson is.” 

“I apologize, sir. I can not to reveal that information.” 

Yeah, Sam better hide.


End file.
